Breaking fake News

It has just been discovered that longtime NHL waste of perfect NHL size and skill Dainius Zubrus has secretly, stoically been suffering for an undisclosed number of years from the dreaded Mariusz Czerkawski Syndrome. No further details have been released.

Kovalchuk tearing apart the Atlantic

Ilya Kovalchuk is an intriguing figure. I can't remember a UFA with the stats being available at his age. It has caused a ripple effect through the NHL, and especially his latest team, the New Jersey Devils.

If Kovalchuk wants to join his polar opposite fellow Russian Anton Volchenkov is New Jersey, they are going to need to make cap room available. Note that they can sign him and be over the cap to the tune of 10%, so they could sign Kovy and then figure out who is going to go. A couple of obvious players with prominent contracts are Dainius Zubrus, the only Lithuanian currently in the NHL, Brian Rolston, who's '35+' contract should scare off everyone short of Darryl Sutter, and franchise winger Patrik Elias.

I think its going to be Elias for a few reasons; one, nobody is going to take Rolston. The attempts to turn back the clock by returning to the Devils worked roughly as well as the year the Avalanche brought back Forsberg and Adam Foote. There are a lot of things that make a player untradeable, but the biggest red flag is the dreaded 35+ contract.

Zubrus is a bit of a mystery, always has been. He's a giant man with great hands and keeps himself in peak physical form. His numbers are those of a fringe top-six forward, but he is also the kind of player who can have an 8-point game. Very interesting for teams who are starved for skilled forwards.

Elias, on the other hand, can justify his contract with is 'model of consistency' style which has survived constant turnover since the 2001 season. It really never mattered who he played with. He was part of the best line in hockey with Arnott/Sykora at one point, but then there were times when he still produced with the likes of... it pains even me to write this... Tom Chorske. If he is traded, NJ fans will be gutted until Kovalchuk and co. win the Atlantic in 2011, capped with Kovalchuk being the first Devil to crack 100 points in a season.

Also in the mix apparently were the Kings. This never made sense to me since they have what will soon be the very best Defense in the NHL all in either entry or RFA contracts. They are going to need all the cap flexibility they can manage going forward, and even then they will need even more cap room to deal for forwards. It does not at this point seem that a deal between LA and Kovalchuk is likely. Enter the would be vulture:

What has happened as a result of the Kings' part of the equation is that somehow Philadelphia though that if a team lost the Kovalchuk war, a good consolation prize would be winger Simon Gagne, 30. He has already been approached about and has apparently agreed to waive his No Trade Clause, thereby ruining the relationship he had with management.

Giving a player a No Trade says "we are committed to you. We are going to spare you the speculation and critique that goes along with not having a NTC; you are part of our integral core, and represent the franchise, etc etc". Being asked to waive it causes all those warm sentimental things to evaporate. This pleases me because it is Philadelphia. They have attempted for a long time to replicate the NY Ranger business model, and it turns out that their fortunes are roughly the same. This isn't quite the same as when the Rangers shipped Brian Leetch to Toronto in 2004, but it is similarly vile from the standpoint of denying a player their loyalties despite a contract. The Flyers, going forward, appear only to be loyal to players currently under contract in Nashville.

Garth Snow and the New York Islanders were also 'in on' the Kovalchuk thing. I don't understand them since they are still paying Alexie Yashin. Garth pioneered the extreme long term contract with Rick DiPietro, and that didn't work out either. No, nothing they do seems to work out. They need some more contracts to reach the cap floor, but if they went with Kovalchuk, it would be for all the wrong reasons - which is precisely why they were in on it. The Isles also drafted spiraling Russian talent Kiril Kabanov, a player who needs to be in a system capable of developing a player into an NHL player, something the Islanders cannot do, as is evident in their recent decline to tender RFA qualifying offers to Bergenheim and Tambellini. To summarize: NY Islanders need contracts to reach cap floor. Bergenheim and Tambellini were RFA, and could have been useful if only to reach said floor, but, were so poorly developed that they were let go. Massive offer made for Kovalchuk, who probably needed several tissues to wipe the tears off of his face. Garth Snow currently 3/4 of the way through a double meatball hero sandwich.

The Rangers have about 7.9M in cap space to figure out how they can trade everyone they have signed in the past 2-3 seasons and replace them with newer-smelling bad signings. They have a bad defense complete with a couple of the worst contracts in the history of the NHL in Redden and Rozsival, with limited No Trades. That may be the good news as the other 2 roster defensemen, Del Zotto and Matt Gilroy, should be developing in the minors, not getting hung out to dry under the very harsh NY lights. Marc Staal is apparently holding out, but it isn't as if they weren't going to trade him for a player some other team has developed anyway. To NY, the other teams exist only to draft and develop players so that they may one day become fine Rangers. That is what the NHL is to them; teams who have players deemed good enough to be a Ranger, and the teams who are in direct competition to sign them. It is good to see it not working out.

Finally in the division, Pittsburgh. They will show up in October with 3 Selke-caliber centers, a couple of perennial MVP candidates, a Championship goalie who is 25, and a recently assembled core of defenders, none of whom are 30 yet, that look like they aren't going to play nice. The quality at the wing position.. it would be generous to call it average, but a team has to have weakness somewhere, and wing is it if you're building a team from scratch (do you understand that yet, Washington?). Their ~2M in cap space is nothing. The Penguins can't even sign Paul Kariya. Still, even though the Penguins cannot sign Ilya Kovalchuk, the destruction he has caused to the other teams who have tied their fates in one way or another to him could work in their favor.

I still Hate New Jersey

You know what I think is a sign that society is doomed? All these shows about the plankton who come from New Jersey to turn whatever place they're haunting into the back room at The Go Go Rama. New Jersey is responsible for this, and I demand that they set up an escrow fund for $USD20,000,000.00 for damages resulting from its citizens. Also, the notion that Newark is in some kind of Newark renaissance.

I used to think the new haircut guy was funny, but he's acting. It spawned a bunch of knock-off new haircut guys (My favorite is the Irish guy), but now its all been reciprocal-lampooned by the escape from Jersey reality rash. New Jersey instituted the dead-puck era in the NHL, and aside from the business model of the Rangers is the biggest threat to hockey. The more I think about it, the more they are ruining everything present-day. I hate New Jersey.

has it really been...

Wow. HJanuary 2009. I haven't kept up, now have I?

What did we miss? Luongo still sucks, Thornton is a he-bride. Vokoun still deserves better.

I don't know what else really caught my attention. Oh, we won the Cup. There's that. I cannot express in English how long ago that seems.

Philly got Pronger. That seems like it worked because they improbably reached the SCF. It isn't going to seem like it worked all that well as early as next year, and I can't wait.

The salary cap is now just shy of $60M. This is sickening. Also sickening is the new way to Ranger-it, trading for the 'rights' to a pending UFA. I hope Dan Hamhuis thanks Philly for their interest and quietly signs in Anaheim, because I wouldn't want to be treated like an RFA as a veteran player. I also don't think its healthy for one team (Philly) to obviously and consistently absorb the core of another team (Nashville) as though there's no AHL. It makes trhe NHL look Mickey Mouse.

The only other thing that I can think to touch on is that Marty Brodeur sucks now against everyone except the Penguins.

Oh, and Versus, or OLN, or whatever the hell it is and their Vegas awards shows. What was that? Who thought: "Ok, after the Selke is awarded, lets move into a Beatles homage with Cirque du Soleil". Everyone responsible for that should be 'reassigned within the organization'. The bad music, the inability to pronounce NHLer's names at events where they're nominated for prestigious awards, the E list celebs, many of whom are only known to those who watch programming on Versus.

If the NHL is serious about promoting the game, promote the game on a respectable network with respectable personalities. Using obscure, token celebs from Canada on the bull riding network is a further indication of the second-class status of the NHL brand. Pay ESPN2 to host the NHL. Pay them whatever they want or suffer the instant discredit of poor brand representation indefinitely, because the assholes playing poker on ESPN2 are bigger celebrities than at the NHL awards.

So, look

I don't need to tell you that there are reasons for things. Nobody knows how to lug the puck and set up the PP? Really, Ryan Whitney? Whats with your 10% success rate of keeping the puck in? 

Miroslav.. you took a shift last night that consisted of jumping over the boards, putting yourself offsides (Penguins turn the puck over, it goes deep), proceed to backcheck at "Jamie Pushor" speed through centre ice, gliding to the left corner whereupon you leaned on a guy a little bit, then you skated across the goal and went to the bench.  

I could point the finger here or there on the ice, but I only have one question at this point; and after yesterday's loss, I doubt I need mention you, my appreciated reader, need be deadly serious with yourself when asking.

When was the last time you thought to yourself: "The Pens won that hockey game because we outcoached them"? When is the last time, if at all, you heard an analyst attribute a Penguins victory to Therrien and Co. out-thinking, out-matching, and out-coaching? The question is:

With the players we have, at this stage in their careers, I demand that the answer at least be "occasionally". 

Islanders Perish in a Horrific Fashion

My Boss is an Isles fan, claims he doesn't really care (as would I after the 1990s and 2000s), and I may push him to the point where I am unemployed regarding last night's brutal drubbing. Garth Slow is trying to rebuild a team that, for all intents and purposes, has been terrible for twenty-three  years. 

All I'm going to say is: we lost a lot of hockey games in the beginning of this decade, made the right moves, drafted well, and now we're on the other end of a rebuild. Everyone acts like Sid just phones the Commissioner when times are hard, or that we're just lucky assholes who won the draft lottery, so now we have a good team. Get real, haters. If we hadn't drafted the good mid-round players we did, we would be like any of the contending minor league teams who have a few NHL first line players. From 1994-5 to 2000-01, NY missed the playoffs and proceeded to make draft picks like these;

9th overall, Brett Lindros. Hahahahahahahaaa in 1994.

95, Wade Redden, 2nd overall. Is this a joke? 

1996. 3rd overall pick = Jean-Pierre Dumont. 

97, they get it right, but we all know what happened. 4th and 5th overall, Luongo and Eric Brewer. 

Then... then in 98.... the Islanders, with the 9th overall pick select... select Michael Rupp. 

So what I'm trying to say is, they drafted poorly, made the wrong moves, and right now the Islanders should have a winning core they drafted in those lean years... Instead, they tried to Ranger™ it, got Yashin, let Chara go, drafting more poorly (Yo, Raffi Torres 5th overall?).... I understand my Boss a lot better now. Oh, yeah... they brought in Mike Peca, and Trevor Linden. And they wore those jerseys with the Gorton's mascot.... 

The, finally, you have this group. They had to buy a new first line, because they didn't have one. They can't support that first line with the mid-tier picks they made (Nilsson, Nokelainen, Bergenheim).... and who the hell is Ryan O'Marra? Signing DiPietro to that deal was a good one, too. Now we have, from the looks of it, 13+ more years of him dropping F-Bombs at League events. 

Here's a sample of one summer's work in the offices on the Island:

67 Million Dollar Contract for a goalie who's been injured long term seemingly once a season.

Sign Brendan Witt and Tom Poti. 

Try to make up for signing Brendan Witt and Tom Poti by signing Mike Sillinger.

In an attempt to distract the fans fron all the bad signings, sign Chris Simon.

The fruits of all that labor were all the goals against to the Sabres in the only playoff appearance since the lockout. To recap, that's 13 seasons, 5 playoff appearances, and 5 losses in the Quarters. 

Go Pens.

Penguins Destroy Carolina

Things couldn't have gone any better tonight for Pittsburgh. After blowing a good lead in NY last night, The Pens outgunned a hapless Southeast team and immediately got back to winning hockey games. I was impressed with the play of Danny Sabourin especially, as he made several saves after committing to the shot, scrambling to throw this limb or that at the disc. He was somehow credited with a giveaway by the statistician... It was otherwise a status quo evening for Sid, tallying 4 points and generally being unstoppable. 

Malkin came out in the first minute and hit the crossbar. He finished the game with 2 assists and continues to lead the NHL in scoring. He also apparently bought himself a house somewhere in Pittsburgh and is gaining confidence in speaking English. I remember reading that it "really takes two or three years" to adjust to North America for European players, according to Slava Fetisov. He also was nailed with a ridiculous tripping minor which prompted the Carolina color guy to say "That's what would make me choose Crosby over Malkin"... Unless of course you have both locked into long-term contracts and they're either laying down roots or living with a certain legend who happens to own a killer wine cellar. 

Peter Sykora has never scored a hat trick in his career, and he again finished with a brace tonight. He had an opportunity to score essentially into an open net but Joe Corvo got a stick check to connect, thwarting Syko. His wrister was a thing of beauty, floating inevitably into the far corner against the grain. The second goal was pretty much exactly how Miro Satan scored; a slick reverse-toe drag around Carolina goalie Michael Leighton's butterfly and into the traffic crashing the net. 

Ruuuuuslan Fedotenko scored an NHL 09 goal where the goalie drops the puck and you poke-check it in, only Fedo went naked skeleton on Leighton and, with a sweep check, sent renewed Carolina coach Paul Maurice into cardiac arrest. 

Then there was former Penguin Jo Melichar. You know, every so often a Pens defender suddenly and inexplicably sours. It happened to Brad Werenka, it happened to Hans Jonsson. It certainly happened to Melichar, who, when faced with the most bizarre and puzzling back pass from a changing teammate, found himself watching Sid and Pascal Dupuis take off with the puck alone on goal. I audibly said "What the hell are they doing" before celebrating the assured goal. 

Did Pesonen touch the puck at all tonight? I seem to remember him getting run over and taking off for the attacking zone too soon a few times, and little else. He clearly has good hands and instincts, so I'm pulling for him to find some rhythm and impose himself on the game in Ottawa.

I then quickly checked out the Red Wings game. They were quite busy scoring many goals on Vancouver and displaying incredible scoring depth. Since the jersey numbers aren't all that sharp, I kept confusing Wings' depth guys with All-Stars. Tomas Kopecky? Who the hell is that? I thought it was Hossa several times, as he wears #82 and looks the shit. 

I am in the San Jose market, so I flipped that game on. These guys think Joe Thornton is the best player in the NHL, and they've a right to their opinion. Joe is finally driving the net under their new coach instead of watching all those passes from the corner. He proceeded to bat a puck into the net out of the air for the winner. Nabokov is stellar. He challenges roughly 3 feet out from the crease, but is capable of making reaction saves like Leafs-era CuJo. San Jose has some impressive depth at forward, and they're all gigantic. They allow room for little worms like Roenick to cruise into the slot and roof PP goals, and their defence occupies the #2, 3, 11, and 12th spots on the scoring list. They're undefeated at home, rock a 22-3-1 record, and the goal difference is staggering. 100 scored, 61 allowed. They're 26 games into the season.

We've alternated wins and losses for some 9 games, so lets go to Ottawa and embarrass them. Heatley is going to score on us, he always does, but otherwise I think its a good idea to hit them mercilessly and play an ugly road game. If Ottawa turns the puck over like Carolina did (and they will), I expect to be in control of the game roughly half way through. I can only hope for more vintage Spezza no-look saucer passes. Go Pens.