Saturday, November 29, 2008

I hate New Jersey

New Jersey is home to some of the most asinine, axe body spray wearing, track suit sporting, dual chain rockin, primped goatee growin, surly inbred psychos in the civilized world. The ocean waters, they burn the flesh. Everything has that "asshole" feel to it. One also has to be aware of their surroundings, as there are a ubiquity of places to dump a corpse in a State composed entirely of bogs. It stinks, and it has always been intriguing that there is an assumed massive superiority complex. New York dumps its trash in New Jersey, and uses it to sometimes escape taxation. 

Those who work in NYC proper whom do not live in the State live in Connecticut. The Madison Ave types don't like New Jersey because they do not like scraping feces off of their shoes. Even though the mayor of Newark, home of the Devils (12-7-2), has been trying to play the city up from its obvious role as the "Le Mans of the West, only with more gun crime", although Newark more closely resembles its' confirmed Sister City in China, Xuzhou.

You see, valued reader, Xuzhou is a formerly nice placed located in an historic piece of its Country's northern region. The climate often features long hot summers, cold winters, and Government corruption. Like Newark, its' once fertile soil has been rendered barren by its inhabitants. 

Xuzhou was the final front in the "Huaihai Campaign" in the 1940s, the Civil War that accounts for some of the city's numerous mass graves. Similarly, Newark was the central front in the under reported "Gittdafuk Merked" killings in the late 1980s and early to mid 1990s, whereupon as many as 200,000 wiggas were slain as a social plea for the casement of "dumb white mothafuckaz assuming the African character in a deceptive manner, and shit". Of course, many other mass graves exist for many other reasons in both cities, but I found these similarities interesting. Indeed, much is held in common between Newark and the other industrialized Nations' contenders for "most dangerous City". 

The Devils are like a virus you catch a few times every year. They make you sputter, kick your ass, and in the end you overcome the ordeal and move on. You dread the symptoms, such as a wheezing cough (Zajac), runny nose (Parise), and of course, diarrhea (Elias). O, how I dispise what they represent, and handly beating them would be most savory. 

What will Therrien do? Will he play into the line match some more and have his team struggle to reach 20 shots? What does he plan on doing with Fedotenko? You see, I believe writing is an art, and that good art poses questions as opposed to providing answers. 

I want to know a few things regarding some of our Penguins, such as why they aren't forcing Pascal Dupuis and Miro Satan to use sticks that match their skating posture. Why are there 2 righty D men on one PP and none on the other? Why bother to acquire said d-man if your coach is indeed too stupid to realize what the intention was? Does Lou Lamoriello know the location of the body of Jimmy Hoffa? 

I would also like to know what response Penguins fans have given that NJ isn't tanking horribly after Brodeur's injury. Imagine Brodeur were a Penguin; Clemmensen is 4-2-0 with a .917% and 2.48 GAA. Brodeur was playing at a 6-2-2, 2.16, and .916 level pre-injury. In Pittsburgh, there would have been a "But he's winning" argument, imagining a trade-Brodeur-for-theoretical-Winger scenario. 

I can't imagine what Penguins fans were thinking. On one hand, Fleury has been injured for some time now, and he's still among the league leaders in Wins. Hell, only Lundqvist and Tim Thomas have been more effective given the number of games started. Think back to the recent past, and you have what was before Fleury: Assistant GM under Craig Patrick, Jim Beam, securing the services of the journeymen and unknowns of the world, the Tugnutt and Hedbergs, to haphazardly start playoff games. Is this really what certain Penguins fans prefer? At this time I would like to point out that Ryan Malone has just as many goals as Mark Recchi hahahahahaha.

Anyway, Penguins fans, tonight is a bounce-back opportunity for our boys. We're going to catch a NJ team at home, which may help us out during the tedium of breaking the dreaded road trap. No Rolston, Brodeur, Holik, or Ghost of Randy McCay. We still have to deal with some consistent Penguin killers, namely Madden and Langenbrunner, but I think we can pull this one out via a 4-2 score. 

Finally, I have to mention something that bothers me: the current standings system and the shootout. I don't have a problem with ties so long as it doesn't create a fifth column in the standings. Teams who end up tied don't deserve, in my opinion, the same amount of points as a team who wins on a given night. There are two remedies; create a new standings system in which a victorious team recieves 3 points for a regulation win. Teams who tie then split the points (1 apice) or win the additional point in OT, but still do not match the point total of the teams victorious in regulation. 

I don't like that. 3 point games, that isn't hockey. I propose simply bringing back the tie after an OT session. I don't mind 5 minutes of 4-0n-4. 

I would like to see the shootout eliminated. The Penalty Shot, at one time, was the most exciting play in all of sports. Now, it is a bland novelty where fans beg such questions as "Will he try that same move again?", or "Did Hartnell just dump it in the corner and run the goalie?".

The Penalty shot was exciting due to its' scarcity, but like the Winter Classic concept, the NHL has similarly overexposed it in an immediate fashion. Not only do I personally not like the shootout, but I don't like the NHL abandoning one of the primary rules of economics: Do not in any way devalue your own product. Scarcity, artificial or otherwise, is a good thing. Its why winning a Gold Medal at the Olympic Games remains special, and why the World is bored of shootouts. Otherwise, see you at the big Nashville vs. Columbus outdoor classic coming our way very soon, I'm sure, which will take place immediately after the Toronto-Buffalo-Assholes Talking To Their Friends Who Couldn't Get Tickets The Whole Game Standing Facing The Camera Bowl. Go Pens.

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