Wednesday, August 6, 2008

What can be called "news" in August...

So, Sid can get his drink on. Everyone is speculating over the Crown Royal vs. how stupid is a 21 year drinking age in America saga, but just you remember how massive Mr. Lemieux's wine cellar is.

What do you purchase Sid for his birthday? A duster for his trophies? He's got the shoe endorsement, still rocks Tim Horton's, and a can of mace for any and all trips to Greenfield.

We all look at the acquisitions Pittsburgh has made since the run to the Finals, the Fedotenkos and the Cookes. Keep in mind that we've got the superstar talents already; we don't necessarily need to go out and get them. A number of teams (see: Toronto) would murder some guys to pry a Penguin away. The latest from that black hole, by the way, is that they won't leave Bryan McCabe alone and are speculating that he'll be persuaded to waive his No Movement Clause for a King's Ransom, you know, because although he's not a very good defender, the virtue of him playing in Toronto enhances his trade value and the fact that everyone owes Toronto a favor for being ├╝ber stands as the singular point of reference. Bouwmeester is on the way out of Florida is exhibit A, and the extreme covetousness of one Jordan Staal is exhibit A1. All they need is a fulcrum, and they think McCabe is the guy. If I was Cliff, I would be waiting to see what Buffalo wants to do with Afinogenov.

At this time, I would like to point out something that I think applies to Sid and another former Penguin Captain.. Jags. In the history of the NHL, Jagr's style simply doesn't reflect any predecessor's. He is unique, something which cannot be said about very many players. The way Sid plays, in my opinion, is one of a kind. His rookie season, for instance, he backhanded his way to a ridiculous point total and continued to dig in every corner. He backcheckd to the point where Palffy was five steps behind the play. He wanted to do squats on the bench between shifts. Adam Hall at this point was still an auto mechanic who really liked Diamond Rio...

Ottawa continues to suck at running a hockey organization. I'll be interested to see what reaction Ruutu gets when he comes back to town, as if it isn't obvious. Eric Godard will most likely introduce himself, and the law will have been established. I just remember when former Penguin stalwart Darius Kasparaitis tried to produce one of his patented open-ice hits on Mario, whereupon Kaspar was stiff-armed a shocking 7 feet down and across the frozen water. We all remember when Ovechkin lined up Gino from 20 feet only to be repelled helicopter-style into the boards.

Brian Burke is looking everywhere for Teemu Selanne. Teemu, meanwhile, is sitting adjacent to Jim Morrison around a remote campfire, roasting a marshmallow discussing the psycho social ramifications of their PS3s "getting a bug just as they thought they triggered the event which leads to the Gray Fox appearing in Bruma". Just then, J. Edgar Hoover laments the absence of new strips of "Peanuts".

The NHLPA won't stop goading the League Office into defending their position on expanding to Canada. Any knowledge of basic economics promotes the idea that, even though the Canadian dollar is competitive in the World market, the complete lack of corporate industry in the key cities mentioned remains a wedge between even relocation of the NHL's "ugly sisters", specifically Florida and Atlanta, and the poor cries of bringing back the Nordiques or Jets which are falling upon dead ears.

I will reiterate that the Florida Panthers™ should play a very special "home game" in Hamilton, Ontario 41 times starting in 2009-10. "Hamilton Ice-adaptable Panthers" has a nice ring to it as well. Sooner than later, Phoenix and Wayne will loose its magic. Imagine Wayne setting up a play to try and tie the game with the goalie pulled.

"Ok. You, you will win the face off clean by slashing the other centre on and about the wrists and forearms. Our defender will then control the puck and pirouette around thier RW, working a give-and-go with (points at the Phoenix LW) you. At that point, make a 71-foot saucer pass to the centre who will be cutting to the middle of the ice, splitting the defence as his mullet sways and flutters with each elegant stride. Do a little forehand-fake, then roof it far side from the bottom of the hash marks. I used to do that all the time. The key to this working is you (nods to RW) will have to obstruct thier LW by pointing to a random space on the ice, distracting the second referee, and high-sticking thier LW in the neck. At that point, go in for the backdoor play in case we hit the post".

Finally, I wonder if this will finally be the year New Jersey stinks to high hell. It has to happen one of these years, why can't it be this one? It has been proven that Brodeur can win games even when left comletely unguarded. I seem to remember him shutting us out one home opener, eschewing an abysmal 20-game stretch resulting in multiple retirements and disappointment. I'll never forgive those assholes for letting the Rangers reach the Finals in 94, the worst year of my life. Kurt Cobain, Ranger mercenaries win, and The Cowboy Way™ is released in theaters. Brutal.

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